PostPartem Depression

I feel like I'm digging a hole and I keep telling myself, "Ok Jackie...the hole's starting to get deep you need to get out bc if you keep digging you're going to be stuck in this dark hole" but I don't get out and I keep digging and I'm already up to my neck in this hole and it's too late to get out. I also feel like Godzilla probably felt right before she decided to trash Tokyo. I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure that Godzilla was just a normal lizard at one point until she snapped and went nuts. I hate this feeling. I really do, because I feel horrible for feeling this way. I don't feel like I'm going to hurt anyone, I feel like breaking stuff and screaming really loud would somehow get it out. Then I feel guilty...because I know I'm so blessed to have everything that I have. Not everyone is so lucky.... but if I'm so lucky why do I feel so alone and isolated? I keep telling myself all the things I have and how I'm lucky.... but honestly, it only makes me feel worse. That isn't normal.... I'm trying so hard to do things naturally but I don't think these feelings are something that I can cope with by myself. That makes me feel like such a failure too. I'm still breastfeeding, so I know if I get on a medication it'll have to be ok to take while breastfeeding bc I want to breastfeed for at least the first year for Baby I. I want to feel better, I want to have a perfect house, I want to have everything perfect everywhere. But when I start thinking fo the stuff that needs to be done to obtain this level of perfection, I just have NO motivation to do it. So it's left undone... then I feel horrible bc my house isn't clean enough for the kids to have friends stay the night and I can't have visitors bc my house isn't big enough to occupy more than who already occupies my house. Then I get more down and more depressed and more overwhelmed. :-/ I have an appointment July 2nd to talk to a counselor, and I'm hoping she'll know how to make me feel better. I'm really considering taking a 30 min walk after work so that I can get myself moving and in turn have the motivation to do more. ugh.