PostPartem Depression

I feel like I'm digging a hole and I keep telling myself, "Ok Jackie...the hole's starting to get deep you need to get out bc if you keep digging you're going to be stuck in this dark hole" but I don't get out and I keep digging and I'm already up to my neck in this hole and it's too late to get out. I also feel like Godzilla probably felt right before she decided to trash Tokyo. I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure that Godzilla was just a normal lizard at one point until she snapped and went nuts. I hate this feeling. I really do, because I feel horrible for feeling this way. I don't feel like I'm going to hurt anyone, I feel like breaking stuff and screaming really loud would somehow get it out. Then I feel guilty...because I know I'm so blessed to have everything that I have. Not everyone is so lucky.... but if I'm so lucky why do I feel so alone and isolated? I keep telling myself all the things I have and how I'm lucky.... but honestly, it only makes me feel worse. That isn't normal.... I'm trying so hard to do things naturally but I don't think these feelings are something that I can cope with by myself. That makes me feel like such a failure too. I'm still breastfeeding, so I know if I get on a medication it'll have to be ok to take while breastfeeding bc I want to breastfeed for at least the first year for Baby I. I want to feel better, I want to have a perfect house, I want to have everything perfect everywhere. But when I start thinking fo the stuff that needs to be done to obtain this level of perfection, I just have NO motivation to do it. So it's left undone... then I feel horrible bc my house isn't clean enough for the kids to have friends stay the night and I can't have visitors bc my house isn't big enough to occupy more than who already occupies my house. Then I get more down and more depressed and more overwhelmed. :-/ I have an appointment July 2nd to talk to a counselor, and I'm hoping she'll know how to make me feel better. I'm really considering taking a 30 min walk after work so that I can get myself moving and in turn have the motivation to do more. ugh.

Homemade Tacos..... mmmmmm

So tonight my husband and I are trying out our homemade tacos. We have been searching the web, high and low, for a homemade taco seasoning without buying the boxed junk and finally I think we found one we like. It's basically a combination of garlic powder, cayenne powder, cumin, mustard powder salt and pepper, Oh and onion powder. We're trying out a recipe for making our own tortillas and I think it'll be SUPER yummy. Can't wait to see how it goes. :-) So, as previously mentioned a few years ago, my son is a Congenital Heart Disease survivor and fighter and today was the American Heart Association's Heart Walk Luncheon. Last year I think total we raised over $1000, this year I'm hoping as an indiviual to raise $1500. The Heart Walk is a charity that I stand behind 100% not only because of my son's history of heart disease but because I also lost my grandfather to it. I'm so excited to get this going again this year. :-)

The path that led us to a more naturalistic parenting style....

So you may have noticed that I went through everything on my blog and changed the names to initials. I did this to try and keep some level of anonymity. I had a blog on xanga that I hate made the mistake of letting a friend know about and when they got angry with me she decided to take my blog and send it to everyone I knew and in my family to let them know what I had written about to cause my family and I problems. One thing you'll need to know about me is that I am VERY VERY family oriented. My family is my everything. Yes....they get on my nerves, but honestly. Whose family doesn't drive you crazy?! So yes...I would rant about my sister or dad or mom or ect when they were driving me a little crazy, but that's what my blog was for. A place that I can write about how I feel without worrying about everyone getting pissed at me. So after thinking alot I decided to go through and change everyone I write about to initials. JB and I have decided, in the past few months, that we're going to adopt a more natural approach to parenting and our marriage together. The main reason we decided to do this is because about a year after I stopped blogging I got back in touch with an old school friend. Honestly she wasn't really just "a friend" but my best friend. We had stopped talking back when I started dating JB bc JB had been placed on probation bc of some bad choices and couldn't party and smoke pot and ect, and when I hung out with her that's what we did. To prevent temptation and to "grow" up I decided that it would be best if we didn't hang out or talk anymore. When I told her that, she was pissed. Our friendship, temporarily, ended. Well after KK was born we rekindled our friendship and we started hanging out. I'm ashamed to say that while I was hanging out with her, I was not the parent I should have been. You see....my friend, we'll call her S, hadn't grown up yet....despite having 2 children of her own she still lived with her Mom, had no job, no ambition, smoked pot, drank and partied habitually. I decided that I could look past this bc I really wanted her in my life. We always got along great and I loved her like a sister. On top of that Sonja and I had stopped talking..... she had started drinking VERY heavily and when we would play cards we'd have our typical banter she would get offended if we picked on her like she picked on everyone else. She would make fun of the fact that JB didn't have his front teeth, due to a cyst his teeth has been ruined and had to be removed prior to surgery to remove the tennis ball sized cyst in his sinus cavity, but if we made fun of her for being "old"(she was older than us) she would get horribly offended. I was starved for a friend...any friend. And S walked into my life.... again. I was thrilled..... but unfortunately along with her came her partying. I'm so ashamed to say that we picked up alot of her habits. Another thing S would do is she'd scream and curse at her children.... and pretty much anyone that made her angry. Even when she wasn't angry, she cursed like a sailor. JB and I were never big curser's.... until we started hanging out with S. I was never one to believe that who you hang out with make you who you are, but the more time we spent with S the more we started acting like her. Before we knew it, we were doing some of the same things. We were drinking every weekend, we were cursing, and we were even yelling and sometimes cursing at our children. Well, when I was about 2 months pregnant with Baby I, S started hanging out with an old friend and having relations with him. She knew that the father of her 2 children would be pissed if he found out but she thought he wouldn't find out. We were supposed to be going to hang out with her that Friday night since we hadn't been able to hang out for about a month or two bc of morning sickness and horrible fatigue. Well when I found out her friend was over, and knowing that if her babydaddy found out that we were over there hanging out and keeping it from him he'd be pissed at us as well as her, I sent him a text and told him that S's friend was there to please not be mad at us since we were giong to hang out with S, NOT her friend. I honestly didn't even think about it causing drama for her, I was just trying to make sure we weren't put in a position where someone would be mad at us. As you can probably guess, it blew up in my face. S called me screaming obscenities at me at the top of her lungs, which of course being newly pregnant caused me to have a TOTAL melt down. Now, to remind you, I have a history of miscarrying. I miscarried in April of 06, before I got pregnant with KK at seven weeks. All this stress, I was hysterically crying, my stomach was hurting, and she kept calling and texting me saying what a horrible stupid bitch I was, wtf would I do that, did I just want to cause her problems, I must be fucking stupid if I thought it wouldn't. And honestly, I didn't even think about it causing her problems. If I hadn't been horribly exhausted from morning sickness and fatigue I probably would have known it was a bad idea but, like I said, I didn't think about it. Well that night, I went to my blog on xanga and vented about it and did the same on facebook. Of course, S slammed me, her friend W slammed me and harassed me, and so did her momma along with a handful of other people. Then W started texting me also and harassing me. W was upset bc her and her husband had been trying for 10 years to get pregnant with no success.... as a result of her infertility she has always been very jealous and disgustingly rude and crude to people who have children or get pregnant, especially though she feels have wronged her. Well because JB and I had decided to try for our third and final and gotten pregnant within 6 months, she was pissed and she decided to enact her revenge by attacking me also. It was horrible... and JB and I had lost everything. Well, almost a year later, and JB and I have moved on. I miss S.... I miss her alot. I had known her since I was in Kindergarten, we had played softball together, went through High School together.... everything we did we did together. She was the ying to my yang. I love her.... not past tense, but present. I love her with everything in me. But honestly.... since JB and I have moved on we are better people and parents and because we have moved on we have adopted this new parenting style and I love it. I have seen my children blossom into this little people that I know, had I stayed hanging out with S, they never would have been. Not that S is a bad parent, but I do believe the people she hangs out with and the things she does as far as drugs drinking and partying, hinder her parenting ability and hence her children aren't who they could be. I honestly believe that if S stopped hanging onto all the wrongs that have been done to her in her life, she would become such an amazing person AND parent. But she hangs onto the things that have been done to her like armor and instead of learning from them she holds them up and waits for someone to fire on her, even if it was just a misguided missile. Anyway.... this is how we have found ourselves venturing into the realm of natural parenting. No we aren't perfect at it.... but we're trying. We no longer yell and scream, we hardly ever spank or swat, we cook things from scratch(most of the time....like I said it's a learning curve) and we spend alot of time w just the 5 of us. I will make another post later today.... but I felt I needed to throw this out there and get it out of my head. I miss you S.... but I'm afraid we are better people apart.

Wow! Time for an update huh?

Wow so much as changed since I originally blogged here. Well here we go. I am now the mother of THREE kids! My third and final was born 4/8/13 :-) Baby I is a little angel. She was 6lbs 14oz and 19 inches long. KK is 6 years old, she's been doing dance for 3 years now and is just graduated from Kindergarten. J is 10 years old, just graduated ON THE HONOR ROLL from 4th grade and has done hiphop, soccer and baseball. J has grown up so much since I last blogged anywhere. He has grown past his fit throwing and has become the greatest young man. He's by far the best big brother anyone could ask for. KK has grown into such a sweet little girl, she has the biggest heart. Unfortunately bc she is so sweet and kind hearted we've had alot of issues with her being bullied in school. In December she was beat up on the bus and I had to threaten to press charges on the little girl who was tormenting her. Luckily, besides a few minor issues, it was taken care of.




JB and I have reached the best part in our marriage. For awhile there we were hanging out with way too many single people and as a result we grew apart and it really threatened our marriage. But since we've removed these people from our lives our marriage has been the best. He is truly my best friend, and without him I do not know what I would do without him.



JB and I both have decided to take a more natural approach to our parenting. I'm breastfeeding our youngest daugther right now, and we've started doing things such as babywearing and co sleeping. I really wish I had went this route from the beginning. On top of the co sleeping and ect, we've also started using fresh foods and veggies and preparing things from scratch. It's amazing how much BETTER food tastes when it is fresh. Well I'm going to leave you guys with a few pictures and then I'll return tomorrow. :-)  

baby I and I at the pool

JB and J

KK and my niece A

KK....sassy as ever

Oh motivation where art thou?

My motivation is MIA today. I have absolutely no motivation to clean today at all. It doesn't help that the hubs isn't here....he's usually such a big help. He's working everyday until the 18th, which I really hate because he won't be spending much time with me or the kids. He called me about 30 mins ago and its so cold that the mud is freezing before they can dump it at the top of the line. When he left he had 4 pairs of pants on, two pairs of socks, 5 shirts and 2 pairs of gloves on. I feel so bad for him having to work in this cold weather.

Thursday was my first day of school and it was awesome. My teacher is great, she's never had a student ever fail and she uses her grant money to give to us to get ASCP certified. She also told us that if we are CNA's she'll help us get ER Tech certified, which is alot more money AND exactly what I want to do. So I have to get my CNA recertified so that I can get my ER Tech certification. The only down side to the class is that in 5 weeks when clinicals start I'll be clinicals Monday, Wednesday and Friday AND going to school Tues and Thursday, so all of the time I have home with the kids is definitely going to get cut in half. My sister is supposed to watch K for my while I do school and clinicals but I think I'm going to see if I qualify for daycare assistance and see if I can get her into a good daycare. She's never been in a daycare again and she's really really smart and I think a preschool would help her get even smarter. Another good thing about this class is the teacher helps us find employment after we graduate. OoOoOoOoOo and before the class ends I get to file and intent to graduate and I get to walk with the class of 2009-2010. We don't have to if we don't want to but I really want to. Its kind of a right of passage...ya know?

So I've been looking at stuff for KK's Birthday party next month on the 20th. I'm so excited and she's even more excited. She's been telling me ever since J's party in November that she wants a 'Pinkerbell Erfday Party", so I've got a friend of mine that makes fondant and buttercream cakes and she's making K a fondant birthday cake.

I have to buy the topper but isn't it beautiful? We've got the Life Center at the Northside Baptist Church reserved for it and I'm going to decorate it with some of the Tinkerbell party supplies from Party City. I don't think I'll get the cups or plates, I think I'll just get purple and green plates but I think I'll get the table cover, banners and things like that. We'll have juice boxes for drinks so I won't need the cups.

So I've gone a WEEK without ANY soda. And besides some of the kids juice I've drank nothing but water and besides the headache and grumpiness I do feel better. I even think my stomach has gotten a little smaller already. I'm trying to quit carbs also, but its proving a little harder than I thought. I love love love bread and I've cheated a few times. LOL But I'm trying and I'll do this. Is anyone else out there trying to lose weight? I think I'm going to get the Wii Active. :-)

Well I think I'm going to FIND my motivation and do something about this house. Talk to you guys later.

Wow its been awhile

Actually to say its been awhile is not even half of it. Nah....I have neglected this poor blog, but here I am. Why not live in the future huh?

So its 2010 and alot has happened since I last posted. I am now a full time mommy and love it. I got laid off back in September and bc its cheaper for me to stay home than to work my husband and I decided that I'd just stay home with the baby. I absolutely love it bc when I had KK I went back to work when she was 4 weeks old so we missed alot of the bonding that alot of mothers get with their newborns. I did breastfeed but still its difficult when you work. I've been home since September and I've got KK completely potty trained, J's doing real well in school(he's in first grade now) and he's learning how to read and to do math, KK can count to 10 and I'm trying to teach her her colors. Right now tho everything is either Pink or Green.....her favorite colors lol. They are so big, she'll be turning three in February and it breaks my heart. Where did my little bitty baby go? She's so grown and talk sooo much. She can hold a conversation like an adult and is as quick as they come. J turned 7 in November, it's hard to believe that in three years he'll be 10!!! He's already got attitude, but we're working on it.

Along with the whole switch to being a SAHM I got a call Monday saying that someone had dropped out of the phlebotomy program and that on the list of alternates my name was next!! I went yesterday and registered for classes, tomorrow I start. I'm so excited. I want to work in a health field somewhere. I'd really like to get my Respiratory Therapy certification, but this is just a foot in the door. With this I can start working in a hospital and then hopefully go back to school to get my certification. My first class is tomorrow from 2:30pm-6:00pm, I can't wait. I'll update tomorrow night and tell you how it went.

Um.....I cant really think of too much more. I'll upload some more pictures later.

Pictures of my hair, kids and ect

my pink lowlights that sonja did for me!!




KK's halloween costume. she's a witch!



My new neice A Michelle Pylant. She was born Saturday night at 11:44 7lbs 7 oz